No, Anger Does You No Good, Why Not Try Forgiveness

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

– Marcus Aurelius

2-1-1 Reflections on Anger & Forgiveness

Anger! – Good or Bad?!

All I had was good intentions because I was really thinking of the good of the other and then the whole situation turned nasty! I am not sure how we got here from the “nice” chat we were having but now all that’s left is hurt and … well you guessed right: this weird urge to hurt back in a nastier way.

I decide to take a break and calm down. Of course, all I do for the next 10 minutes is stew some more, revisiting and revising this “wrong”. My dad always said to us when we were growing up: “anger is momentary madness”.

Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.

G,M. Trevelyan

The madness of my thoughts suddenly became apparent to me. Phew! Well, that brought me to an abrupt stop. My pen and paper came to my rescue as I wrote down all the many reasons the way that interaction went was not worth any negative reactions from me.

According to the Collins Dictionary, Anger is the strong emotion that you feel when you think that someone has behaved in an unfair, cruel, or unacceptable way. Well, no one can really stop anyone from feeling any emotions so anger as an emotion will happen. It is what we do with this emotion that becomes important. 

But you may say, there is some anger that is good. I agree! Anger as an emotion is amoral. In the bible, Jesus was angry a few times and we are instructed not to sin in our anger:

• Mark 3:5, says Jesus was filled with anger because of the hardened hearts of the Pharisees when he healed on the sabbath. “Jesus looked around at them in anger, deeply hurt because of their hard hearts. Then he told the man, “Hold out your hand.” The man held it out, and his hand was restored to health.” – International Standard Version
• “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” Ephesians 4:6 English Standard Version

The command is not to avoid anger, suppress it or ignore it but to deal with it properly, in a timely manner.

So what good does anger do you?

Take another look at the dictionary definition of anger above. There are 2 parts to this definition – one is quite explicit in the definition while the 2nd part is what then happens when we have this feeling:

1. Anger results from a feeling that some wrong was done to you. This is very okay, In fact, we need accountability in life and no-one can dispute this.
2. Part 2 of the definition is the interesting part of anger as I shared in my introduction – the wish to payback. Often you wish the person suffers greatly for their actions – think of all those times someone cuts you in traffic.

It is in this part 2 of anger that Marcus Aurelius’ quote begins to make sense: “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Revenge sounds good when we are planning it but it doesn’t usually feel so great once the act is carried out. In fact, instead of satisfaction or justice, most people feel more terrible and carry the weight or shame of their actions for years.

Try Forgiveness Instead!

To forgive according to the Cambridge dictionary is to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done, or not punish them for something. 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is a voluntary act. No one can force anyone to forgive or accept forgiveness. It’s definitely one of those violations to our logical intelligence where what works is contrary to what we want to do and/or actually do. It also doesn’t come easily or naturally. You must work at forgiveness and this makes me believe that it’s one of the main reasons why it’s so good once you get to the point where you actually, truly forgive a wrong. If it came without effort, it will feel worthless.

In the Lord’s Prayer – The Our Father: we recite, “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those, who trespass against us.” – Matthew 6:12. This is so revealing because we cannot expect to be free if we carry so much bitterness within. Forgiveness in itself is an act of love – love for oneself, love for the other, and ultimately, love for God.

What if you can’t forgive?

Yes, sometimes, forgiveness is really challenging especially when the person won’t admit the wrong or the wrong just hurts really bad. Forgiveness may be a journey for you in those times. Your goal may not be to seek reconciliation but definitely to heal yourself.

• You may find help in remembering times you’ve hurt others and you received forgiveness. God gives us grace in abundance and when we receive so much grace we have lots to share too.
• Try empathizing with the person. There might have been circumstances that led to the situation and it may not have been their intention to hurt you.
• Using a journal, meditation or talking about your feelings with a trusted person may help you get a fresh perspective on the situation and start the healing process.

What Do You Stand to Gain Then?

Always keep in mind that your job here is to forgive. When you forgive, you have no control over if the person takes it or not. Likewise, when you err and you ask for forgiveness and say you are sorry, you have no control over what the person does, whether they forgive you or not.

Forgiveness is not something reserved for others. We ought to forgive ourselves too. Many times, we hold ourselves in bondage for past mistakes we cannot undo and mortgage the present and the future under the weight of past guilt. You can and should forgive yourself.

2 Insights/Ideas

1. Forgiveness heals wounds – fresh or festering wounds: Have you ever been so mad at someone; that anytime you hear the person’s name or see the person, you have some physical and mental (mostly negative) reaction? And the sad part may be that this person is oblivious of the negative impact their physical or unseen presence has on you. Really sad, right?! Well, consider letting go and be freed.
2. Forgiveness is really all about love: Love yourself; love others; and love God because when you forgive, your mental and emotional state is improved; you have less anxiety; stress, and hostility. For those people who actually get a physiological reaction from bitterness and worry – like headaches and other feelings of physical illness, forgiving their offender or themselves leads to healing.

1 Question

1. Why is it so easy to hold grudges? I have noticed how fast the spiraling negative thoughts tend to go and then, they lead to more and more bitterness. Yet, even when I’m watching this horror movie of myself sinking deeper and lower, it takes forever to snap out of it. It’s not a good feeling, it doesn’t produce positive, happy, and joyous emotions, yet it just goes on? What do you do to turn to forgiveness? Especially when it really hurts bad or you are offended by a loved one or a trusted person? Do share your comments below.

1 Call to Action

1. You know that grudge you’ve been holding onto lately or forever? – against someone, yourself, or a group of people? Just let it go! Pray, ask for strength, and offer it up for your own wellbeing and be freed!!!

I hope you got some insights and encouragement on the journey of living your life in abundance. Thanks for reading! Remember to share your insights below.

Blessings.